Who’s afraid of going back to school?

Posted by Jennifer Buchholz on November 25th, 2008

Going back to school was a big decision for me. I decided that it was a good time to start - I was in my late 20’s, no kids, no significant other, life was easy. I wanted to finish school before my life got too complicated. While that sounds very neatly packaged, I had several fears about returning to school. Could I do the work? Could I balance the schoolwork with my work and social life? Could I afford it? Would I stick with it? What happens if I’m not good at it? I had to work through each of those quesitons (and still do have to work through them) as I am still working on my degree.

Could I do the work? I think we are all afraid of failure to some degree. While I enrolled in a PhD program, I wasn’t sure I was ready. My master’s degree program came relatively easy for me - I got a 4.0. One reason I selected the school I enrolled in was because they graded on a Pass/Fail basis. That meant I didn’t have to strive for the A’s, but could do the best I could and likely would pass. That took some of the stress off.

Could I balance the schoolwork with my work and social life? While I was working on my courses, I took every opportunity to do my schoolwork. I read chapters during my lunch at work. I often stayed late at work to post or write papers (I was more focused at work and tended to slack off - oops, I mean become less disciplined - when I got home. I found that discipline was the most important key to success. My social life took a hit, but I tried not to lose too much of that. I didn’t want to miss out on all the fun - then being in school might have been too much for me.

Could I afford it? Money was a big challenge. It was costly to return to school and I wasn’t making a lot of money. I took out students, but I knew that if I did that for the whole degree, I would run out of available loan money. I have always paid my way through school and wasn’t going to start asking for handouts for this degree. I did eventually move in with my best friend to save on some living costs - that was a huge help!

Would I stick with it? Honestly, this was where the discipline came in. My track record has been, if it gets tough, get out. Why put myself through the pain if there was an easier way out. It has continued to be a long, challenging road, but I am determined to finish. I want those letters (PhD) after my name!

What happens if I’m not good at it? This was another major hurdle. I did not get a lot of feedback on the quality of my work. I thought it was good, but was it PhD level? I really didn’t find out for sure until I completed the Comprehensive Exam and was successful. That was my validation that I was good at this. Too bad that came after several years of classes.

I’m still afraid - but now I’m afraid of not finishing. I’ve put a lot of time, money, sweat, and tears into this pursuit. I think if I stopped now, I’d be letting myself down as well as those who have supported me. So I must persist. It’s still scary, but it’s doable.